Same old, same old

Don't jump to conclusions too fast and judge people.

Finally

When I was talking to you yesterday (finally) about my feelings for you, I felt a whole lot better. Like a heavy load had been lifted off my chest. A while after that I went back to being in the same state of mind as before. But now as I write this, I feel like what I ultimately did was right. Telling you that I love you too after all this time and despite knowing the fact that you have moved on wasn't the kindest of things I could have done but still there were a number of things pushing me towards it. It's just that the person you love deserves to know that you do. And I don't want to live with this lie all my life. But I told you everything despite having decided that I don't want to rekindle the relationship (I am certain you feel the same. But despite all this it felt good to know that your feelings for me haven't changed.), and I knew I was being really selfish, but I so needed some peace of mind. And it's starting to feel better. And I do hope it keeps getting better. It's bit strange but now I feel freer than I have ever felt. Just wanted to say, thanks for listening.

When even the good things shake you off balance

Two conversations. Good ones. But I am kind of going to lose sleep over both. I don't know why it happens. Come on. Good things are supposed to make you feel good. Not like this. I am happy for my friend but then why did he have to go to some other place for his Masters. He was supposed to come here. I just get this feeling that I might never see him. And that just doesn't feel good. And yeah talked to her. Decided to keep something to myself. And well she seems more open minded that I thought she was. And that brings me to a huge dilemma but then maybe it's just best to leave the past. Future should be liveable.

Pleasant conversations

Just the other day I was thinking about my friends and how I confided in each of them but about different things. How I was rueing the fact that there was not a single person with whom I could share every aspect of my life. It just made me feel like I am not being a good friend. Well things have changed a bit somewhat. And I couldn't be happier and more content. At least with this aspect of my life. I know I am never satisfied. But keeping that aside, this change came in the strangest and most unexpected way possible. With her telling me she liked the guy that I too liked. He was kind of like my first crush. I may still hold a soft spot for him. But when she said those words, I didn't feel bad. I don't know why. Of them getting together is almost an impossibility. The fact that I just said that proves that maybe I would end up getting hurt if that happened. But I don't think I'd ever feel betrayed in any way given her revelation.
There are still things left unsaid between us. But I know for a fact that I can always tell her when I am ready.

And Superman Returns

Maybe he shouldn't have. Hahaha. I just couldn't get myself to like the movie. It just failed to connect. The way Spiderman did. Or the Batman Begins did. The effects were quite cool. Loved the airplane stunt. But all through I felt like I was watching a comic. Granted it's an action movie, but still unless a flick like that moves you emotionally at one particular point, then it just plain fails. I want my six bucks back.

Reminiscences II

All the times we met for lunch or late lunch or whatever they are supposedly called. I do miss eating out with you. The times we discussed etiquettes and what not. Rushing out of office during the lunch hour with one pretense or another and then rushing back. Waiting for you to come by my workplace in the afterhours. The walks back to my place in the evenings. And your never-ending jokes about how you would climb up to my room in the night. I still remember you saying you are not necessarily a nice guy but you are and will always be nice to me. Yeah you kept that promise almost always.
The memories just come rushing in every time. I so miss you. What I wouldn't do to meet you one more time.

A Quote

'Life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think.'
-Fortune Cookie

That's so unfrivolous for a fortune cookie prediction. Anyways it caught my attention.

Bad to worse

A wrong approach and communication sometimes messes things up rather than straighten them out. And so that's what happened. I probably shouldn't have left the conversation in the middle of it but I just needed to get out of it.

Feel...

I just don't know what to feel right now. Get angry with him for doing exactly what I apparently did to him or thank him for making me realize where I went wrong. I might have said I am sorry to many people time and again over the time. But this time, every word in the sentence weighs so much more than it ever has.

Realizations

Now I understand. The friendship and the eventual shutting off. Wow, that took some time. A single picture that pointed it out for me and one phone call that finished it all for him. Have made mistakes in life but know I can't afford to cry over the spilt milk now.

Of things unsaid

Dejavu. Why don't you tell me why all this all over again? You know where this is leading. I know where this is leading. Why don't you just stop talking to me? I don't have any idea how I will be able to deal with it again. Of you not talking to me. Of me not being able to talk to you. I still remember the feeling of helplessness, hopelessness the last time that happened. But all said and done, I still know what is happening is in no way any better.

Haha

For lack of a better title or just my true feeling towards what I am going to write about and what I feel for myself right now. Anyways, the reason I kept the comment option open was I want to know what people who don't know me think about my writing, listen to what they have to say about my life and my opinions. The irony. Well who doesn't want to? If there are people who say don't care, then good for them. But all in all, I am just so sick and tired of my need for appreciation. I want people to tell me they like my blog, they are moved by my poems, awestruck by my photography. Ya ya, just got to stop this right now. And anyways was wondering about all this need and after some analyzing, it could be because of my low self-esteem, lack of confidence of sorts. Ya whatever, I need to sleep. It's 2:45 in the morning and I got to catch the Germany game tomorrow.
Well despite everything, the first comment, that made me feel good. Ya I am kind of hopeless.

Some things

Was watching a movie. Just got these lines. I am sucker for these stuff. So here they are. "Eerie infinity. The beautiful never ending nothing." Just bought a DVD online. If I told anyone they'd be like you have nothing better to do. I could rent a movie or something. But there are some things that I want to have, keep them with me, some things that I just want to own.

Anyways was talking to you as usual. Just this feeling that hits me again and again. Why do you know me inside out? You do miss some things that I'd have liked you to see but maybe I am just too good at hiding them. This is what makes losing you so heart-breaking.

An arranged marriage?

That concept didn't use to scare me before. After all, almost everyone in my "extended" family had gone for that and they all seem to be happy, at least from the outside. But now having fallen in love (the problem is it's something that I won't be able to pursue), the idea of being together with someone who might not know me the way he's supposed to, love me the way I want to or understand me inside out just plain scares me. I don't mean to say that everything from my part will be smooth without any hitches but then I don't think I can settle for anything less than Love now.

What's with it?

I don't know if it's me or sometimes people are just like that but time and again it seems to me that some people just are driven by this desire to mess me up, rip me apart, make me feel bad for no rhyme or reason. I don't know why. But still that's not something that I let myself be bogged down by, there are just too many other things that do that for me.

Hits and misses

It was really nice talking to a friend of mine after so many years. I don't even remember how long it's been since I talked to him. He's a cool guy. Very intellectual. Liked that about him. Never have met him though. But I like talking to him. Used to talk on the phone sometimes. And yeah if it's online, I am the more talkative one while on the phone it's otherwise. There have been people who I have wanted to stay in touch more than I have been able to but then again it's just that same old thing of looking for friends in all the wrong places. To call it a wrong place would be too harsh but yes it is kind of impractical and hard to build on.
All in all it was an extrememly pleasant experience.

Of new realizations

USA is just a bigger version of India.

The randomness and everything else

Slept through a meeting with my advisor last Wednesday. And now I get back late when I am supposed to finish work for her. I was shirking my responsibilities earlier, but now it's like in your face. Need to cut some slack.
And I want to stop talking to you. Or maybe just want to know what's going on in your mind. I could ask maybe but then I am scared of losing you or whatever remains of this relationship.

Been a while

It's been a while since I changed the display name on my msn. Yeah no big deal but I was into it big time. Crazy stuff. Been a while since I talked to my friends. I thought I had changed or was trying to change but I still manage to shut everyone out when I am all stressed out. Been a few days since I blogged I think, or maybe it was just the other day.
Just want to have some fun. Doesn't even have to be as good as that, I just want a peace of mind, a relaxed state of mind.

Friends and friendships

I know I haven't been the best of friends to anyone. Time and again I have tried to come out of my shell and be there for my friends. My insecurities, anxieties just bog me down and the easiest solution for me has been to shut myself off from everyone. Just go into hiding. Find excuses such as more important work to get out of spending time with friends. But if I try maybe those times will be something that heals me too in the process as it helps them. Just need to revise the belief that "There are no excuses, just choices." There are more obvious ways to save my time and put it to good use.