Bad to worse

A wrong approach and communication sometimes messes things up rather than straighten them out. And so that's what happened. I probably shouldn't have left the conversation in the middle of it but I just needed to get out of it.

Feel...

I just don't know what to feel right now. Get angry with him for doing exactly what I apparently did to him or thank him for making me realize where I went wrong. I might have said I am sorry to many people time and again over the time. But this time, every word in the sentence weighs so much more than it ever has.

Realizations

Now I understand. The friendship and the eventual shutting off. Wow, that took some time. A single picture that pointed it out for me and one phone call that finished it all for him. Have made mistakes in life but know I can't afford to cry over the spilt milk now.

Of things unsaid

Dejavu. Why don't you tell me why all this all over again? You know where this is leading. I know where this is leading. Why don't you just stop talking to me? I don't have any idea how I will be able to deal with it again. Of you not talking to me. Of me not being able to talk to you. I still remember the feeling of helplessness, hopelessness the last time that happened. But all said and done, I still know what is happening is in no way any better.

Haha

For lack of a better title or just my true feeling towards what I am going to write about and what I feel for myself right now. Anyways, the reason I kept the comment option open was I want to know what people who don't know me think about my writing, listen to what they have to say about my life and my opinions. The irony. Well who doesn't want to? If there are people who say don't care, then good for them. But all in all, I am just so sick and tired of my need for appreciation. I want people to tell me they like my blog, they are moved by my poems, awestruck by my photography. Ya ya, just got to stop this right now. And anyways was wondering about all this need and after some analyzing, it could be because of my low self-esteem, lack of confidence of sorts. Ya whatever, I need to sleep. It's 2:45 in the morning and I got to catch the Germany game tomorrow.
Well despite everything, the first comment, that made me feel good. Ya I am kind of hopeless.

Some things

Was watching a movie. Just got these lines. I am sucker for these stuff. So here they are. "Eerie infinity. The beautiful never ending nothing." Just bought a DVD online. If I told anyone they'd be like you have nothing better to do. I could rent a movie or something. But there are some things that I want to have, keep them with me, some things that I just want to own.

Anyways was talking to you as usual. Just this feeling that hits me again and again. Why do you know me inside out? You do miss some things that I'd have liked you to see but maybe I am just too good at hiding them. This is what makes losing you so heart-breaking.

An arranged marriage?

That concept didn't use to scare me before. After all, almost everyone in my "extended" family had gone for that and they all seem to be happy, at least from the outside. But now having fallen in love (the problem is it's something that I won't be able to pursue), the idea of being together with someone who might not know me the way he's supposed to, love me the way I want to or understand me inside out just plain scares me. I don't mean to say that everything from my part will be smooth without any hitches but then I don't think I can settle for anything less than Love now.

What's with it?

I don't know if it's me or sometimes people are just like that but time and again it seems to me that some people just are driven by this desire to mess me up, rip me apart, make me feel bad for no rhyme or reason. I don't know why. But still that's not something that I let myself be bogged down by, there are just too many other things that do that for me.

Hits and misses

It was really nice talking to a friend of mine after so many years. I don't even remember how long it's been since I talked to him. He's a cool guy. Very intellectual. Liked that about him. Never have met him though. But I like talking to him. Used to talk on the phone sometimes. And yeah if it's online, I am the more talkative one while on the phone it's otherwise. There have been people who I have wanted to stay in touch more than I have been able to but then again it's just that same old thing of looking for friends in all the wrong places. To call it a wrong place would be too harsh but yes it is kind of impractical and hard to build on.
All in all it was an extrememly pleasant experience.

Of new realizations

USA is just a bigger version of India.

The randomness and everything else

Slept through a meeting with my advisor last Wednesday. And now I get back late when I am supposed to finish work for her. I was shirking my responsibilities earlier, but now it's like in your face. Need to cut some slack.
And I want to stop talking to you. Or maybe just want to know what's going on in your mind. I could ask maybe but then I am scared of losing you or whatever remains of this relationship.

Been a while

It's been a while since I changed the display name on my msn. Yeah no big deal but I was into it big time. Crazy stuff. Been a while since I talked to my friends. I thought I had changed or was trying to change but I still manage to shut everyone out when I am all stressed out. Been a few days since I blogged I think, or maybe it was just the other day.
Just want to have some fun. Doesn't even have to be as good as that, I just want a peace of mind, a relaxed state of mind.

Friends and friendships

I know I haven't been the best of friends to anyone. Time and again I have tried to come out of my shell and be there for my friends. My insecurities, anxieties just bog me down and the easiest solution for me has been to shut myself off from everyone. Just go into hiding. Find excuses such as more important work to get out of spending time with friends. But if I try maybe those times will be something that heals me too in the process as it helps them. Just need to revise the belief that "There are no excuses, just choices." There are more obvious ways to save my time and put it to good use.

Down the same road again

Been talking to you more and often. Have this feeling we are going down the same road again. Just know how this is going to end again. End has now become a somewhat twisted word. It is and isn't at the same time. My feelings all sorted out now but then I know I can never act on them.

Times when I miss you

I miss you when I am all stressed out. Kinda miss you the whole time. So stressed out 24/7.