The death of a friendship

It means a lot to me. That friendship. He was one of the few people I could really talk to. About almost everything. But I should have understood it long before, his feelings for me would cloud everything else and break it all up. I should have understood the biases he held, for the friendship grew stronger after he told me his feelings. How can I be at fault here? I know am not. My feelings for him were crystal clear and I let him know this as often as I could. Should I be blamed for seeking a friend?
I have made an effort. Twice already. That's really commendable for a stubborn person like me. But everytime, he's brushed them off. Totally shutting me out. I don't know what's going on in his mind but then I feel I deserve to know. Don't see that happening though and it's been bugging me for just too long now.

The movies and the lies

Still remember the lies I used to tell to meet you. To go out to movies with you. The first ever movie I watched with you. Was such a horrible movie. But that's beyond the point. Our first official date almost. Still remember that boo-hoo. That was so funny. I don't get scared like that. Come on. Even a kid would have laughed at it. So many things. So many moments. Not a single one I want to change or feel they they should have been different. I treasure them all. The only complaint. You just don't know what they mean to me. They were special to you too but the fact that you think they aren't as special for me, ruins it all for you and for me as well. That's the only thing I wish I could change.
Ha, talking of movies. Still remember the second movie, the one that broke the jinx. But I still remember the day after. The day you called it quits. I still don't know why you came with me that day if you were intending to break up with me the next day. Damn, it hurts. But I know I am at fault here too. I was so confused. I was still trying to figure out if I loved you or not. And so I couldn't stop you form doing what you did.
But all through, you were one heck of a confused and unpredictable person as I was confused and stubborn. These memories hurt and something else that I lost as a result of this. I can't even say if I lost it or not because the very thing that another friendship ended as a result of my relationship with you somehow tells me that that friendship didn't exist at all in the first place.

For a change

Was a good change to write something different...

Friday

Was working on my work stuff late minute as usual on Thursday night. Had worked a bit on Thursday afternoon and was feeling good about the things I had managed. Not so much in terms of content, but I knew the presentation would make a difference. Then late night managed to read some powerpoints that was long due. And got an idea for some coding stuff and went to bed feeling really good and looking forward to a good weekend break.
But got up late on Friday and that messed up the things I had left for Friday morning. And then it felt liked doomsday, why did it have to be like every other meeting for me. I had been feeling good about this and then got all messed up. But then I decided to approach it with a positive attitude. Whatever much I had managed I presented and it's a sad thing that content gets hidden within all the glitter of the presentation but then it worked in my favor this time and I am not complaining.
Have been learning the lessons repeatedly and it's high time I stopped screwing things up. I am so through the last minute mini heart attacks :-D.
But one thing I learned, be POSITIVE. Yeah of course, hard work is always there. And yeah the jinx is somewhat broken. I sometimes get this really good feeling about things but somewhere inside there is this fear that I am going to be disappointed, something is going to be messed up somehow. About time I let that stop veering me towards anxiety.

The need to write

Was scrolling down the blog and I haven't written anything much. Just conversation logs, not even that. Just feel the need to write something. Something that seems compact. The same old feeling. The same old need. The desperation. Never changes. I am not even giving it a chance. But the same old problem, I can't let go of my past unless I have an assurance for my future. That's weak. Somehow.
I know it's all in the mind. You don't have to tell me. "Change your mind... and EVERYTHING changes." No you are not telling me anything. The most is that you are telling yourself, talking to yourself like I am talking to myself right now. Why would you tell me anything, anymore when you have no idea what is going within me, inside me right now. The worst part, I can't even tell you that.

Byes

Don't say Bye. Hurts for some reason. I don't know how I'd take Goodbye.

And back

You:
ya kinda like a lobster

You:
m back

And hopelessly I log back in.

Me:
ok

You:
cant u see

Reading in between the lines

You:
brb

Me:
why

Me:
go go

You:
because I want to be back

Your status changes to Away

Me:
Away? I thought you wanted to be back

And I log off

Reminiscences

Just wanted to write about some memories. It's like taking a note lest I forget points but the truth is less remembered the better. But what the heck.

1. The first meeting and the menu blunder. You don't get things so well do you? Unless it's like laid out word by word and you are the one who talks of .... Damn I can't recall that word. M... something.

2. The second meeting. It was a start but it doesn't have such a vivid importance in my memories.

3. My birthday. Yeah your communication skills are as good as hopeless. But you never really understood that they don't matter to me.

4. I can ride a bike too. It was one fun day. Not a misunderstanding at all, but that's what I told you it was. Something I regret.

5. The same day. That picture. That stupid video. I wish I hadn't deleted it.

6. And so you made me dance. :-)
Loved it. Didn't actually tell you that did I?

And still more. Will leave them for later on.
I so miss you.

A lull

Haven't written in a while. A while would be two days or less. This is probably what is called a disease. A need to maintain the blog despite having nothing to write about, crib about or complain about. So does that mean life's been smoother. Oh well, just the same old stuff to write about. Have written them in all possible ways creatively possible by me. What's the use of being a nag.

msn saga or whatever

You log in.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

You say:
wassup

I say:
nothin' much as usua

Silence.

Silence.

You log off.

Tears

Every time I cry I think it's for the last time. But just need the slightest of reasons for the tears to well up in my eyes. Why this emotional dependence?
I miss the emails I deleted from my inbox, those I had saved for more than a year. I deleted them to delete the memories maybe. Didn't work. Just got worse, how I'd do anything to read them one more time.

Some days

March 05 - June 05
...
...
March 03, 06 (The end)

April 05, 06 (I don't know)

And the story continues...

Hmmm. That was a long wait, before you said hi. It's like this everytime, I yearn for it like that's what I am online for. Now you don't talk again. Oh well, you logged off, got disconnected, whatever.
For some reason, I don't want to ask you anything today, tomorrow forever. Like it feels, what sense does it make at all. What's the point of anything? What's the reason we keep in touch? Friendship? I don't know, that somehow has been clouded by the other feelings that we have for each other. The feelings that go beyond the point of friendship. And there wasn't any deep friendship before all this. Yea, admit you were there before in my life as a friend before you proposed but then some how I feel all the conversations, all the emails before that from you were just biased somehow. Or maybe the other way round. Who cares now. Just who cares.

I remember...

You know when all of this started and I was so confused about whether I want to dive into this relationship or not, a friend of mine had said "It's so sad you know, the person you want is the one you can't have". Back then I was like "Why would you say that?" That was one time and this is another. At that time, I didn't know if I loved you or not and I was nonchalant about whether we'd be together or not. But finally it's dawned on me that I love you, it's taken me a year almost, ha, the irony. Ha. And it breaks me down from the inside when I know that we'll never me together. And you'll never know what meaning you hold for me. For you I will always be a bad judgement. Whatever that means.

Give me a break

I have enough things to stress. This has been edited.

And so on

Was going to write something but have decided not to. But everytime when you say bye, see ya, it hurts somewhere. Just makes me feel like saying goodbye. I don't know if we will ever see each other again, at least not anytime soon or maybe never. Just hope that's not true. But even if I did see you, meet you again, then what?

It's all the same still

So you want to watch a movie right now? I want you to keep talking to me. I might not let on, but you are supposed to understand that without my telling, aren't you? Huh, why do I hang on to it, it's not going to mean anything, not going to last anything, but I have my needs. I need you to keep talking to me despite everything. Why do you want what I cannot give you? And why do I want what I cannot have. Yes there'll be friends. There are friends. There have been friends. But still I need you. Deep inside somewhere, you are what makes sense to me. Why can't I have you?

So you take my word for it?

And so I tell you I have deleted this and you buy it. Hmmm. That's wierd, even for me. Or is it just reverse psychology? Doesn't matter though, I know better than to drag both of us into that same old mess.

Why does he do it?

I still go weak in my knees when I see him. Just a few days back I saw his picture and it just struck me. How I still in some ways love him. That doesn't mean though that given a choice I would take a moment to decide between you and him. I'd choose you. Because I know you love me. But hell, I can't have you whether I chose you or not. The irony of my life. Happiness just seems to stay away from me.
Writing all this is not helping me out so much. This is all so depressing. I don't want to be in this state of mind at all. Damn.

A wrong choice

It's still at the back of your mind. Now I know I shouldn't have brought it up at all. But am weak, I seek attention, that's only humane isn't it?

It's all in the mind

I blog in hopes that I might be able to give my lonliness, emptiness, sadness and so on, a creative outlet, or at least an outlet of some kind. But the point is, it all depends on me, whether I want all of it to end or not. I thrive on these emotions in some way. It's an escape for me from the more important things in my life. And until I find one more potential tragedy in my life, I will probably keep blogging.

Another conflict

I know. Or maybe I don't know so well. I shouldn't have told you about this. Just made you more curious. Maybe I enjoyed it to a certain extent. Sounds sadistic I know but sometimes I just can't help it. What's the point of all this. What's the point of the friendship or whatever that exists right now, that's not what you want in the long run and that's all I can promise to you. I am losing so much by choosing to not be with you but I feel there are more things in my life that I need to be answerable to or accountable to.
Just wish I could tell you I love you.

One more timepass

Your Life Path Number is 11

Your purpose in life is to inspire others Your amazing energy draws people to you, and you give them great insight in return. You hold a great amount of power over others, without even trying. You have the makings of an inventor, artist, religious leader, or prophet. In love, you are sensitive and passionate. You connect with your partner on a very deep level. You have great abilities, but you are often way too critical of yourself. You don't fit in - and instead of celebrating your differences, you dwell on them. You have high expectations of yourself. But sometimes you set them too high and don't achieve anything.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

Timepass

You Are a Black and White Cookie

You're often conflicted in life, and you feel pulled in two opposite directions. When you're good, you're sweet as sugar. And when you're bad, you're wicked!

What Kind of Cookie Are You?

unwritten story

not really. have written it down in hopes that i can get over it. i do think i want to get over it. but i feel maybe i don't really want to. i don't want to get over it, i want to move on. and to move on i need another boat. right now am floating in the water, just trying to drown. ironic. anyways i need someone in life. and it's high time i had someone, someone i could find joy with and not have to hide from the world. i never thought my life would be full of tragedies. lost love. unrequited love. and what not. damn it i need someone right now.
seeking one more tragedy to get over the last one. at least one more sense of fulfillment, whether it's built on a heap of lies, i just don't care.

a cynical start

was so cynical since the morning. just was forcing myself to be unhappy almost. was finding the negatives in every damned thing possible. all started with that b'day thing yesterday. didn't want to go at all but didn't like it when someone else made me feel unwelcome. f**king b*tch. damn. i don't usually curse. haha at least i don't type it. but the point was that i just felt (still feeling) so lonely. everyone's going out with their friends or someone's coming to see someone and so on and there i was stuck in that stupid room all day (still am in the room alone but i wouldn't say am stuck here). i miss my friends back home.
ha someone pointed it out as culture shock or something. whatever his interpretation maybe.
i never thought i'd feel this way. even back home i didn't need to be in constant company of friends or whatever. but i guess i was wrong. when you are somewhere far from home, alone they haunt you even more. i wish i had someone i could relate to, talk to. there are people from my country too. but they feel so distant. i don't know why but i feel they have lost themselves in the atmosphere here. i don't feel close to them at all. you can't like everyone in life, can't be friends with everyone. and that becomes tough when you have to find friends from a given few people who are here.
and the people from the so called sub continent. i almost hate them. they try and pretend to be friends. pretend we mean something to them. but hell, they show their true faces when you really need them. am far from trusting them now.
anyways when i get cynical and lonely all i think of are negatives, i clam up, hide from everyone, but today i took a different approach, i went out (literally too). didn't do any work at all. looked for an escape but again a different approach. something that i might benefit from in the long run.

just wanted to start blogging

the best part of it is being anonymous