Conflict

My need to be diplomatic and the extremes of emotions that I feel is costing me my peace of mind.

Oh well...

Am such a sucker...!

One more quote

Don't force yourself to fall in love - just because you think it's your turn, wait... maybe Cupid is just havin' a hard time searching for the one who deserves the kind of love that you can give...

Questions

Just what is the point of anything anymore. That's not true I know but still that's how I feel right now. Nothing makes sense. Even talking to you makes no sense. I just don't know what I want out of all this. There's one thing that's bugging me so bad right now. I know it's not betrayal but that's how I end up feeling despite trying to reason with myself about it. I find myself entangled in this complex mesh of what if. What if we'd been together for all this time. And what if she disapproved. Would you still have ended it all? And even after we got here, why didn't you ever tell me about it. That you never intended to pursue this relationship in the long run. I know there was nothing to tell me about for you didn't know then how I felt. Even I didn't know how I felt. But I feel so misguided. What was all the talk about my uncertainties right before the break. What was that not talking to me all that time for? Were you just trying to make me feel guilty? Make me feel bad? What was the point of it? Couldn't you just have tried to understand the family issues since you'd seen and known what I was talking about? Why did you wait for so long to tell me? Maybe you didn't see the point in telling me. I can imagine. But you know you left the door open for me to walk right into the room of illusions. I know or I think I can see what's possible, what's not possible, what's easy and what's tough. I don't know what point I saw in the persistance of my feelings. What I gained by not letting things go. I just don't know. But despite everything, I still felt we'd somehow end up together. I know it makes no sense at all but I guess I was just seeing what I wanted to see. Why did you leave that chance open for me and fall in so deep? Just why did you do that.
Am just so tired of the state I am in. Just so tired. Of not being able to let it go. Why can't I be happy with the fact that I have better friend in you now than I ever bet on. Again the nagging question, just why do these things happen in life?

And...

Where there's a will there's a way, but what about everything else and everyone else and their feelings that you step on, on the way.
See. Things are never simple. Or rather we are not.

One more, So on

Don't know what exactly I want to write. It's 1:38 AM and I am still replaying the conversation in my mind. A positive. One more push towards how things should be. One more step towards accepting how things can't be. One more reality call. One more of the many more that have been. I know I have a friend in you that I wasn't sure I'd find. BUT through it all, with everything said, the pain is still there. The wish for something that's not meant to be. Something I knew all along, but something I find it hard to accept still. Just why are things this way in life?

Far Away

/*For whatever it is worth*/

"Far Away"

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

Same old, same old

Don't jump to conclusions too fast and judge people.

Finally

When I was talking to you yesterday (finally) about my feelings for you, I felt a whole lot better. Like a heavy load had been lifted off my chest. A while after that I went back to being in the same state of mind as before. But now as I write this, I feel like what I ultimately did was right. Telling you that I love you too after all this time and despite knowing the fact that you have moved on wasn't the kindest of things I could have done but still there were a number of things pushing me towards it. It's just that the person you love deserves to know that you do. And I don't want to live with this lie all my life. But I told you everything despite having decided that I don't want to rekindle the relationship (I am certain you feel the same. But despite all this it felt good to know that your feelings for me haven't changed.), and I knew I was being really selfish, but I so needed some peace of mind. And it's starting to feel better. And I do hope it keeps getting better. It's bit strange but now I feel freer than I have ever felt. Just wanted to say, thanks for listening.

When even the good things shake you off balance

Two conversations. Good ones. But I am kind of going to lose sleep over both. I don't know why it happens. Come on. Good things are supposed to make you feel good. Not like this. I am happy for my friend but then why did he have to go to some other place for his Masters. He was supposed to come here. I just get this feeling that I might never see him. And that just doesn't feel good. And yeah talked to her. Decided to keep something to myself. And well she seems more open minded that I thought she was. And that brings me to a huge dilemma but then maybe it's just best to leave the past. Future should be liveable.

Pleasant conversations

Just the other day I was thinking about my friends and how I confided in each of them but about different things. How I was rueing the fact that there was not a single person with whom I could share every aspect of my life. It just made me feel like I am not being a good friend. Well things have changed a bit somewhat. And I couldn't be happier and more content. At least with this aspect of my life. I know I am never satisfied. But keeping that aside, this change came in the strangest and most unexpected way possible. With her telling me she liked the guy that I too liked. He was kind of like my first crush. I may still hold a soft spot for him. But when she said those words, I didn't feel bad. I don't know why. Of them getting together is almost an impossibility. The fact that I just said that proves that maybe I would end up getting hurt if that happened. But I don't think I'd ever feel betrayed in any way given her revelation.
There are still things left unsaid between us. But I know for a fact that I can always tell her when I am ready.

And Superman Returns

Maybe he shouldn't have. Hahaha. I just couldn't get myself to like the movie. It just failed to connect. The way Spiderman did. Or the Batman Begins did. The effects were quite cool. Loved the airplane stunt. But all through I felt like I was watching a comic. Granted it's an action movie, but still unless a flick like that moves you emotionally at one particular point, then it just plain fails. I want my six bucks back.

Reminiscences II

All the times we met for lunch or late lunch or whatever they are supposedly called. I do miss eating out with you. The times we discussed etiquettes and what not. Rushing out of office during the lunch hour with one pretense or another and then rushing back. Waiting for you to come by my workplace in the afterhours. The walks back to my place in the evenings. And your never-ending jokes about how you would climb up to my room in the night. I still remember you saying you are not necessarily a nice guy but you are and will always be nice to me. Yeah you kept that promise almost always.
The memories just come rushing in every time. I so miss you. What I wouldn't do to meet you one more time.

A Quote

'Life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think.'
-Fortune Cookie

That's so unfrivolous for a fortune cookie prediction. Anyways it caught my attention.

Bad to worse

A wrong approach and communication sometimes messes things up rather than straighten them out. And so that's what happened. I probably shouldn't have left the conversation in the middle of it but I just needed to get out of it.

Feel...

I just don't know what to feel right now. Get angry with him for doing exactly what I apparently did to him or thank him for making me realize where I went wrong. I might have said I am sorry to many people time and again over the time. But this time, every word in the sentence weighs so much more than it ever has.

Realizations

Now I understand. The friendship and the eventual shutting off. Wow, that took some time. A single picture that pointed it out for me and one phone call that finished it all for him. Have made mistakes in life but know I can't afford to cry over the spilt milk now.

Of things unsaid

Dejavu. Why don't you tell me why all this all over again? You know where this is leading. I know where this is leading. Why don't you just stop talking to me? I don't have any idea how I will be able to deal with it again. Of you not talking to me. Of me not being able to talk to you. I still remember the feeling of helplessness, hopelessness the last time that happened. But all said and done, I still know what is happening is in no way any better.

Haha

For lack of a better title or just my true feeling towards what I am going to write about and what I feel for myself right now. Anyways, the reason I kept the comment option open was I want to know what people who don't know me think about my writing, listen to what they have to say about my life and my opinions. The irony. Well who doesn't want to? If there are people who say don't care, then good for them. But all in all, I am just so sick and tired of my need for appreciation. I want people to tell me they like my blog, they are moved by my poems, awestruck by my photography. Ya ya, just got to stop this right now. And anyways was wondering about all this need and after some analyzing, it could be because of my low self-esteem, lack of confidence of sorts. Ya whatever, I need to sleep. It's 2:45 in the morning and I got to catch the Germany game tomorrow.
Well despite everything, the first comment, that made me feel good. Ya I am kind of hopeless.

Some things

Was watching a movie. Just got these lines. I am sucker for these stuff. So here they are. "Eerie infinity. The beautiful never ending nothing." Just bought a DVD online. If I told anyone they'd be like you have nothing better to do. I could rent a movie or something. But there are some things that I want to have, keep them with me, some things that I just want to own.

Anyways was talking to you as usual. Just this feeling that hits me again and again. Why do you know me inside out? You do miss some things that I'd have liked you to see but maybe I am just too good at hiding them. This is what makes losing you so heart-breaking.