Why does he do it?

I still go weak in my knees when I see him. Just a few days back I saw his picture and it just struck me. How I still in some ways love him. That doesn't mean though that given a choice I would take a moment to decide between you and him. I'd choose you. Because I know you love me. But hell, I can't have you whether I chose you or not. The irony of my life. Happiness just seems to stay away from me.
Writing all this is not helping me out so much. This is all so depressing. I don't want to be in this state of mind at all. Damn.