A thought

Sometimes things seem a lot smoother after we've been through rough times.

Now

With the craziness subsided for the time being, now that I have had a moment to myself, as I scan through all those pictures, as I remember the warmth of your touch, the love in your eyes, the laughs and the tears...
I miss you! Wish you were here...

Not the easiest thing

Breaking up and moving on...

Everyday...

Don't know what to think, what to feel. Relieved that I finally chose to end a chapter of my life that can never find its conclusion. The never was my fault, and maybe some of his. Guilty that I am moving on too quickly. Holding on to your hands too soon. I don't want to be in another lop-sided relationship. I want to give as much as I get and possibly more. But I can't get myself to reciprocate your words and your gestures. I take time to open up in a relationship, maybe that's all there is to it. Or is there something more about my apprehensions that I should understand. I let my head do the thinking in cases where I should let my heart do the feeling. I keep thinking about how I'd fare in my parents expectations, and somehow that hinders me from giving my all, letting me feel all the emotions. It's happened once but I shouldn't go through that again, I've got to give it all and leave the rest to fate...
Accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Nothingness...

I'd give it all, I'd give for you, If anything but I won't give up...

Discourse

So when is the right time for anything? Just to avoid an issue that I need to address or just to make myself not feel guilty about filling in my blog instead of working on my thesis, I shouldn't be typing the words that I am typing right now. Enough with the verbosity, the wordiness already. A slight discourse from what I usually write about here. Something that is not all about my emotions; my emotions, the ones that I'd talk about for all it's worth.

So it started with an incident in my country and something that a movie, yes, a movie cemented it for me. And something that might help me understand what maturity is, what harmony is, what learning from experiences mean, in reality. Something I didn't understand or chose to not understand to keep my "innocence" intact, to live happily in my extreme-ties, to just see black and white in everything.

Indian Idol 3, that's what has been keeping me busy for too many weeks. The Friday morning routine of looking for videos posted on forums, national and international. Reading about everything connected to the show, all of it taking precedence over events that should have. To start off with, the whole fervor that I present for a show that is on TV, it is of course misplaced priority. And to top it off, rooting for a contestant based on biases. I didn't even listen to what anyone else sang basically, I just supported a contestant of my (country's) origin and found reasons enough to justify my support to the extent of making myself truly believe in it all, unconditional support. I have always been passionate about it, it's just that this time I might not be supporting the better (of whatever). My liking or disliking for someone, something, some theory is just too strong; it doesn't let me see a balance line. I must admit, I don't like seeing good in something I don't like. I just like being a zealot, being critical is too much of hard work.

And to get back to the point, all the while I was following a "reality" show on TV, I found it convenient to ignore the actual reality. The emotions that flood me when the contestant I support gets a bad comment or I feel that person is getting ignored or less importance versus what I feel when I hear about simultaneous bomb blasts rocking the capital city of my country, or when I hear about "communal" violence in my country. I read about it, then I go back to downloading the "Calcutta concert videos of Indian Idol". What does it say about me? And some more of us.

It's been a series of movies for me, that have woken me up to things I do feel but just needed a reassurance of some kind that I do feel them all still. Hotel Rwanda, The Pianist, American History X. Just one question, how can a human being kill another, why do they do it? I just don't understand it, I just don't. Race, caste, creed, religion, color. Nothing justifies the violence done on their behalf. No way. Hatred: Life is just too short to waste it on hate.

"We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature" - Abraham Lincoln

Yes, I am still listening to selective songs from the concert videos that I downloaded, converted from WMV to MP3 and clipped selected songs from the MP3.

Ah so romantic :-D

"I am jealous of the people you ever hugged, because for a moment they held my world!"

Just stole this lines from someone's msn. Couldn't decipher what it meant until my friend gave me her explanation of what it meant. Then it finally made sense :o)

Stubborn

What you do in life, should never be driven for the purpose of getting back at anyone. If you want to say NO to anyone, it shouldn't hinge on the reason that, that person has given you a NO. Say NO if that's what seems reasonable to you. It's not always that diplomacy works, maybe it does, but the thing is, it doesn't give you a peace of mind at all times.

Will I never change?

Why do I let smallest of small things affect me? Be bothered by things that shouldn't even matter to me. Be constantly be concerned about what someone else is doing. That should the least of my concerns. Why should certain actions of a person I don't like bog me down. Some people are just born manipulators and it just doesn't change, so why should I let it affect me? GET A LIFE!

Back to it again

Expressing your feelings is a necessity but what people fail to understand is "Just because I don't express it doesn't mean I don't feel it".

Stressed out

And so here I was running a search on google "how to deal with stress at school". Got something interesting here,
"Avoid extreme reactions:
Why hate when a little dislike will do? Why generate anxiety when you can be nervous? Why rage when anger will do the job? Why be depressed when you can just be sad?"

Don't know if I am to call it optimistic or pessimistic or just pratical.

The Motorcycle Diaries

Was like a breath of fresh air. Of all the messages that the movie carried with it, their journey out in the open roads just reminded me of what I am missing. Coming back from NYC, I thought, yeah I got to go back there again, jump into the sea of people, live the life, drown in the sights and the sounds. But maybe not. I yearn to be able to look at nature, once again, the hills and the mountains, the valleys and the gorges, the meadows and the deserts... Breathe in the nature into my soul one more time, feel alive again...

If it doesn't, maybe it shouldn't

There was no need for all this right now. I mean, yeah am bummed that you could forget my birthday, but there was no need for a lie to cover it up. You have just made it worse.
Agreed, I am making too big of a deal out of it, but I am disappointed.

"If it doesn't matter to you, then maybe it shouldn't matter to me..."

Of what could have beens...

With each passing day, I can't but stop and let these thoughts flood my mind. All the what could have beens. Is there something I could have done before, that would have made my present any different from how it is now? The helplessness of my situation, am I wrong to let my mind drift away from my present to my past or even worse my current uncertain relationship? What I have brought upon myself is mostly my fault, however much I'd like to find someone else who can take the blame.
Why do your future and your present ask you to let go of your past? Why don't they understand, I am what I am because of it, for better or for worse.

It's indeed true

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.

Home
- Chris Daughtry

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, it makes true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

Just like that!

DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY.

Random creations

Just a thought

Just watched The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. What if I had the option to erase someone from my memory? Is that a solution to anything?

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;"
-Alexander Pope

Sad Songs (Say So Much)

- Elton John

(Though I don't particularly care for how is has been sung, the words are just so right.)

Guess there are times when we all need to share a little pain
And ironing out the rough spots
Is the hardest part when memories remain
And it's times like these when we all need to hear the radio
`Cause from the lips of some old singer
We can share the troubles we already know

Turn them on, turn them on
Turn on those sad songs
When all hope is gone
Why don't you tune in and turn them on

They reach into your room
Just feel their gentle touch
When all hope is gone
Sad songs say so much

If someone else is suffering enough to write it down
When every single word makes sense
Then it's easier to have those songs around
The kick inside is in the line that finally gets to you
and it feels so good to hurt so bad
And suffer just enough to sing the blues

Sad songs, they say
Sad songs, they say
Sad songs, they say
Sad songs, they say so much

Soon

Yeah everything takes time. This feeling will leave me for good 'soon enough'. But how does one define 'soon' especially when it's never soon enough.