Learned thoughts

Let go of expectations, having done so, whenever something good happens we will be content. If things do not work out we will not be disappointed. Either way, we will remain calm and balanced.

Damn!

Somebody called me a spineless brute!

So, if this is his sense of humor? Like he didn't appreciate mine, it wasn't funny either. NOT appreciated. So if all of those words were 'reality' as he insisted and he is giving it straight to me, then all the more reason for me to end all this? A really non-worthy piece of relationship that I have been dragging around.

Both of you have been adjusting or at least trying to show like you are for 'other' people, but when it comes to asking for favors then you ask me. Why not ask 'those' people? Easy target, huh?

Again and again...

It's happening again. Don't know how to stop it. I don't want to make an effort to stop it.

DEJAVU... just went through my July post and there we go again.

I Hate Luv Storys

Just finished watching this movie. A cliched romantic comedy. But somehow I enjoyed it. I guess I am a sucker for these types...

Out from hibernation

Haven't written anything in 'ages'. The way you say it :)
So all I wanted to do was look at my photo blogs, and what do I end up doing? Reading the blahs and the whatevers. And just in one of our recent conversations you mentioned not dwelling in the negativities - of the past or the present. And there I went about reading or trying to read all of my life's miseries :) Going through the blog posts, I found a good number of them so vague that I have absolutely no idea who or what I was talking about. Talk about heights of being vague.
Anyway, coming to the point. So looks like you are coming here, earlier that we both anticipated. Am happy but anxious at the same time. More responsibilities now. I just wish for happiness together.

Present

Each day is a gift. That's why we call it the present.

Of practicalities and emotions

Yesterday was one of those days, where nothing you do would go right despite the best efforts and the good intent behind it. Started with a tussle between what was practical and what you desire. Well practical is another relative word. Sometimes, its just a matter of putting in an extra effort. That being said, things just happen, words are said, for some reason, all of it just rub you the wrong way and we all get hurt.
Yes your email, the journal all affected me. "I don't feel bad as per say, but I don't feel good either."; "Yes there is nothing in it to feel good anyways." But, today, as I sit here and type away, they don't [so this is where the train, plane and bus of thought was interrupted] drag me down. I wouldn't like to turn back time to change what happened. Everything that happens, just gives us a chance to know, understand each other better. Good. Bad. We are humans, and conflict is as much a part of life as anything else. Its just about understanding it and letting experiences become a positive guidance.

Horoscope - Feb 08, 08

Someone who is standing by your side during this weird time is going to stay by your side, so let go of any doubts you have about them today. However, you do need to watch out for their creeping frustration. They are more impatient than you are, and could use a dose of your perspective to calm them down. Show them that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. In doing so, you'll help mellow them out -- and remind yourself that things are going to get better, too.

A thought

Sometimes things seem a lot smoother after we've been through rough times.

Now

With the craziness subsided for the time being, now that I have had a moment to myself, as I scan through all those pictures, as I remember the warmth of your touch, the love in your eyes, the laughs and the tears...
I miss you! Wish you were here...

Not the easiest thing

Breaking up and moving on...

Everyday...

Don't know what to think, what to feel. Relieved that I finally chose to end a chapter of my life that can never find its conclusion. The never was my fault, and maybe some of his. Guilty that I am moving on too quickly. Holding on to your hands too soon. I don't want to be in another lop-sided relationship. I want to give as much as I get and possibly more. But I can't get myself to reciprocate your words and your gestures. I take time to open up in a relationship, maybe that's all there is to it. Or is there something more about my apprehensions that I should understand. I let my head do the thinking in cases where I should let my heart do the feeling. I keep thinking about how I'd fare in my parents expectations, and somehow that hinders me from giving my all, letting me feel all the emotions. It's happened once but I shouldn't go through that again, I've got to give it all and leave the rest to fate...
Accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Nothingness...

I'd give it all, I'd give for you, If anything but I won't give up...

Discourse

So when is the right time for anything? Just to avoid an issue that I need to address or just to make myself not feel guilty about filling in my blog instead of working on my thesis, I shouldn't be typing the words that I am typing right now. Enough with the verbosity, the wordiness already. A slight discourse from what I usually write about here. Something that is not all about my emotions; my emotions, the ones that I'd talk about for all it's worth.

So it started with an incident in my country and something that a movie, yes, a movie cemented it for me. And something that might help me understand what maturity is, what harmony is, what learning from experiences mean, in reality. Something I didn't understand or chose to not understand to keep my "innocence" intact, to live happily in my extreme-ties, to just see black and white in everything.

Indian Idol 3, that's what has been keeping me busy for too many weeks. The Friday morning routine of looking for videos posted on forums, national and international. Reading about everything connected to the show, all of it taking precedence over events that should have. To start off with, the whole fervor that I present for a show that is on TV, it is of course misplaced priority. And to top it off, rooting for a contestant based on biases. I didn't even listen to what anyone else sang basically, I just supported a contestant of my (country's) origin and found reasons enough to justify my support to the extent of making myself truly believe in it all, unconditional support. I have always been passionate about it, it's just that this time I might not be supporting the better (of whatever). My liking or disliking for someone, something, some theory is just too strong; it doesn't let me see a balance line. I must admit, I don't like seeing good in something I don't like. I just like being a zealot, being critical is too much of hard work.

And to get back to the point, all the while I was following a "reality" show on TV, I found it convenient to ignore the actual reality. The emotions that flood me when the contestant I support gets a bad comment or I feel that person is getting ignored or less importance versus what I feel when I hear about simultaneous bomb blasts rocking the capital city of my country, or when I hear about "communal" violence in my country. I read about it, then I go back to downloading the "Calcutta concert videos of Indian Idol". What does it say about me? And some more of us.

It's been a series of movies for me, that have woken me up to things I do feel but just needed a reassurance of some kind that I do feel them all still. Hotel Rwanda, The Pianist, American History X. Just one question, how can a human being kill another, why do they do it? I just don't understand it, I just don't. Race, caste, creed, religion, color. Nothing justifies the violence done on their behalf. No way. Hatred: Life is just too short to waste it on hate.

"We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature" - Abraham Lincoln

Yes, I am still listening to selective songs from the concert videos that I downloaded, converted from WMV to MP3 and clipped selected songs from the MP3.

Ah so romantic :-D

"I am jealous of the people you ever hugged, because for a moment they held my world!"

Just stole this lines from someone's msn. Couldn't decipher what it meant until my friend gave me her explanation of what it meant. Then it finally made sense :o)

Stubborn

What you do in life, should never be driven for the purpose of getting back at anyone. If you want to say NO to anyone, it shouldn't hinge on the reason that, that person has given you a NO. Say NO if that's what seems reasonable to you. It's not always that diplomacy works, maybe it does, but the thing is, it doesn't give you a peace of mind at all times.

Will I never change?

Why do I let smallest of small things affect me? Be bothered by things that shouldn't even matter to me. Be constantly be concerned about what someone else is doing. That should the least of my concerns. Why should certain actions of a person I don't like bog me down. Some people are just born manipulators and it just doesn't change, so why should I let it affect me? GET A LIFE!

Back to it again

Expressing your feelings is a necessity but what people fail to understand is "Just because I don't express it doesn't mean I don't feel it".

Stressed out

And so here I was running a search on google "how to deal with stress at school". Got something interesting here,
"Avoid extreme reactions:
Why hate when a little dislike will do? Why generate anxiety when you can be nervous? Why rage when anger will do the job? Why be depressed when you can just be sad?"

Don't know if I am to call it optimistic or pessimistic or just pratical.

The Motorcycle Diaries

Was like a breath of fresh air. Of all the messages that the movie carried with it, their journey out in the open roads just reminded me of what I am missing. Coming back from NYC, I thought, yeah I got to go back there again, jump into the sea of people, live the life, drown in the sights and the sounds. But maybe not. I yearn to be able to look at nature, once again, the hills and the mountains, the valleys and the gorges, the meadows and the deserts... Breathe in the nature into my soul one more time, feel alive again...